I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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