Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize