he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
my liver is dry heaving
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I know her cup size but not her name....
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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