hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
