The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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