she takes plan B like it's going out of style
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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