I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize