we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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