I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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