Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
