I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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