You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
