I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
