I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
