Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I did not marry a roomba.
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