Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
