he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
