Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
