If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
