the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
