we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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