Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
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