Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
