We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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