I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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