She went from zero to smokin in five shots
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
