Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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