I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
