so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
i think my cat just said my name.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
