I wish my penis had an off switch
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
