I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
