yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
