To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
NoShamevember. You game?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Randomize
