here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
