I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
