I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
i think i just lost a toe
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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