i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
