Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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