It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize