broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
This show inspires me to have sex in space
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
