I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
