Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
