You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
