apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
