I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
