and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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