worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
