Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
