i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
