He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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