So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
