wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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