My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I deserve this hangover.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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