Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize