We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
That accounts for only three of the penises
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
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