but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
