new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
