Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
