Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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