A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
