So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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