I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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