he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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