I'm gonna have a badass scar
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Randomize
